Build season ended, but there isn't much respite.
In terms of good things, I got some motivation to work back. Perhaps seeing my grades helped kickstart that, but I was already starting to feel better when I saw this uploaded on YouTube.
This weekend, our FTC team (a smaller "appendage" of our robotics team you could say) is competing in the Northern California FTC Championships. While I'm not an active member of this team (I'm a "mentor" by title, but honestly, there's not much I can help with since the electrical portion is so simple), I went to meetings about once a month and attended one of their qualifiers, just giving support. I intended to do the same by attending the competition tomorrow too.
Then tonight I sent an email to the leader saying I wouldn't be able to make it, citing my studies as priority.
While this is not a lie, it's not the sole reason either.
I just imagined the day, spending 8-6 at competition doing essentially nothing (but perhaps scouting). Even though that's what I did at the last competition, and I found the matches exciting and fun...somehow, I'm not in the mood to do it tomorrow. I think this is where my conscience comes in to tell me I should spend that time studying.
But what worries me enough to post is the idea that I could be getting tired of it all. Yes, I've been tired every day of build season, but I'd always be productive and strive to finish my tasks. I loved the work and I loved the people I did it with. It's especially spending time with all the people that I love.
But not even wanting to spend time with the others tomorrow is what kind of shocks me.
I think I just feel awkwardly detached from this team. This is only obvious because I show up so infrequently to FTC meetings but I at least know the people well because I've worked with all of them for the entire build season (of FRC)...
In any case, I started to question my own position in our entire robotics team and got some pretty negative ideas. No matter how hard I try, I can't seem to break past some wall between me and some of the other veteran members of the team. I think I'm just misunderstanding things though...after all, I don't share any classes with these members and I only joined the team last year. Probably these friendships among the veteran members existed long outside of robotics. I'm just jealous and a little lonely thinking about it.
(I think this feeling was perpetrated when I saw this strong friendship during the robotics meeting on my birthday. While I forgive them for forgetting that it was my birthday, I never expected to feel so alone that day. It was just not a good day in general, what with being sick and all.)
I'm most likely not helping my situation by not going tomorrow...but I recently have been thinking that I'm probably trying too hard to get along with them all too. I sound annoying to myself when I try to jump into conversations that I wasn't originally a part of, just so that I can know people better.
I think I'm unnecessarily worrying while spiraling down the path of negative thoughts. The only things for certain are that my grades suck, I don't have the energy to attend competition tomorrow, and I don't want to see anyone from robotics tomorrow. I wrote this nonsensical post because I was scared by the feeling of not wanting to see them tomorrow when I normally love spending time with these people. I didn't want to admit that I could get tired of them. I still don't believe I am. I can't believe I'm still tired. I think I'm just tired of being tired.