aria_san (aria_san) wrote,

  • Mood:


I can do something well. Just one thing, but it's the only I've been able to take pride in and even brag about. I should be glad that here's another chance to prove my prowess. It's practically an undisputed fact that among them all, I'm the best.

So why am I doubting myself now??
If I can't believe that I can do just this, am I good for anything at all?

I needed some place to post that and finally decided I'd put it here.

Explanation: Recently, my band class has been taken over by an assistant teacher who needs to teach a class for a while to complete his university course for being a music educator. He's really stern and no one likes him much, but that's beside the point. As part of "remaking" the entire class, he decided to hold seating auditions for the clarinet section. I should be jumping for joy right now. After all, I expected for those to happen way back in August. But the original teacher decided not to hold them. And so he arbitrarily assigned us parts. Most of the time I'd get 1st clarinet, but there were times when I had to play 3rd clarinet.
It was really shameful for me to hear of my best friends being the clarinet section leader at their schools and me reporting that we had no set positions in our section at all.

The audition piece is extremely easy. I only have one rival, and I wonder if I can even call her my rival. She isn't particularly dedicated to clarinet -- playing only for this class and practicing at home.
Yet I feel really uneasy. I feel that somehow she will best me and take away the position from me.
She's totally capable of doing that, don't get me wrong. But...I don't know, I always thought that I was so much more skilled. I had more experience too. But maybe that was all then, in August I mean.

I think the issue might be that she's growing as a musician in leaps and bounds while I've only made a few steps this year. I wonder if I ever mentioned that my band class is ridiculously easy for me. I've often wondered if my skills were rotting away though that can't be the case because I practice my own higher level music and nowadays I can play passages that I found unfathomable last year.

I don't know what's wrong with me. I think I'll go practice now.
Tags: music, otl, school stuff

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