February 24th, 2013

xxxholic butterfly

Still burning out...?

Lately I find I have more and more thoughts that I can't say to any of my friends.

Build season ended, but there isn't much respite.
In terms of good things, I got some motivation to work back. Perhaps seeing my grades helped kickstart that, but I was already starting to feel better when I saw this uploaded on YouTube.

This weekend, our FTC team (a smaller "appendage" of our robotics team you could say) is competing in the Northern California FTC Championships. While I'm not an active member of this team (I'm a "mentor" by title, but honestly, there's not much I can help with since the electrical portion is so simple), I went to meetings about once a month and attended one of their qualifiers, just giving support. I intended to do the same by attending the competition tomorrow too.

Then tonight I sent an email to the leader saying I wouldn't be able to make it, citing my studies as priority.
While this is not a lie, it's not the sole reason either.
I just imagined the day, spending 8-6 at competition doing essentially nothing (but perhaps scouting). Even though that's what I did at the last competition, and I found the matches exciting and fun...somehow, I'm not in the mood to do it tomorrow. I think this is where my conscience comes in to tell me I should spend that time studying.

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I think I'm unnecessarily worrying while spiraling down the path of negative thoughts. The only things for certain are that my grades suck, I don't have the energy to attend competition tomorrow, and I don't want to see anyone from robotics tomorrow. I wrote this nonsensical post because I was scared by the feeling of not wanting to see them tomorrow when I normally love spending time with these people. I didn't want to admit that I could get tired of them. I still don't believe I am. I can't believe I'm still tired. I think I'm just tired of being tired.